What Mask Do You Wear?

A few weeks ago my place of worship finally updated it's covid-19 protocols, to make wearing a mask optional. This past week for the first time that I had attended services since this change. It was a strange experience to be in such a public place with so many maskless people.  The crowd at the service was a very small crowd , and I have known everyone who is there for a long time. I know that they have all been very cautious and careful throughout the entire pandemic (and in fact this was one of the last places of worship in my area to stop requiring masks). Yet I still showed up wearing my mask. I was, however oh, the only one. 

As I looked around the room at these people that I have known for most of my life, I thought about how well I knew these people; how much I trusted these people; how I knew that every single one of them was fully vaccinated. And I ask myself the question "Why am I still wearing a mask around them?" The truth is, I was more comfortable wearing the mask.

Of course you are more comfortable still wearing the mask, I can already hear you saying. We have been wearing masks for over a year. I'm sure it has become an affectation for billions of people. Maybe I am just used to it. But I do not think that is it. The truth is that I am more comfortable wearing the mask because it hides my face. The mask grants me a reprieve from  feeling like I always have to be on display. 

Before the pandemic whenever I was in public there was always this social pressure, that I did not even know was there, to not only participate in public events, but two enjoy them. I realized, as I stood there muttering the prayers from years of practice, that I was more comfortable covering my nose and mouth in public because it saved me from putting on the mask of false extroversion.

In case you are reading this and do not already know, while extroverts thrive on socializing introverts find it tiring. This does not mean that they do not enjoy socializing. What this does mean is that introverts need time to recharge and reflect in order to keep socializing and not go crazy. 

Modern society expects that not only does everyone want to socialize all of the time, but that you will enjoy it too. Therefore, without even realizing it, I have been pretending to enjoy going out and being social when all I really wanted is a nap and a good book. Without my even realizing it, wearing a facemask has been saving me this past year from having to put on a happy face while at work or the grocery store. I still have to worry about coming up with something to say, but at least I don't have to hide the fear and exhaustion from my face. 

Maybe, for me, wearing the mask a little longer than everyone else will allow me to take smaller baby steps towards being comfortable socializing again (in my newly discovered introverted way).